The Fine Arts

On a cold dark November night, a one Mattin Q. D. MD ASCJ BB awoke from his slumber to see that his friend, a one Ryan G. Fitz had been drawing a picture of him whilst he lay. To Martins surprise the drawing was breathtaking, so Martin proceeded to beat the shit out of ryan and take the picture. Ryan was devestated..... The drawing was the one he needed to complete his collection of Natural Born Ballers. to his dismay he could not find it, Martin had taken the drawing underground, never to be seen by Virgin eyes again............ What the FUCK am I talking about.

Food, women, and food

So im boozin yet again and ive lost my phone so dont call me. If you were gonna call me you can write me a letter or still send me some morse code shit cause i know we all know morse code. Fuck you guys, you dont know morse code. But yeah i lost my god damn phone so im pretty pissed but i get pretty happy wqhen i open the ole e dubbs and pour myself a strong one. Ok so i got nothing to talk about tonight but hey im just typin what comes to the fingers cause apparently people like what i type. Oh man once i get maddied im immediatly getting a blumpkin and demanding sex every night from my wife other wise i will not go hunting and bring home the daily catch of the day which could be a cougar, or a god damn seal. Who knows what fucking people eat these kinds of days, i eat what ever the fuck i can find. My house has gone green so ive had to salvage around. Theres fucking egg whites in the fridge. What the FUCK happened to a regular god damn egg. I love eggs and the yolk is perhaps but not probably the best part of an egg. It gives it the flavor and i get a power rush out of it, cause im like yeah, your not being born you little chicken shit, im eating you in a delicious sandwich, probably in a bagle topped with some salk n peppa and perhaps some brown sugar if im feeling ambitions but sometimes i dont give a shit and im lazy so ill leave out the brown sugar. But hey, we all like a little brown sugar, in our lives, ohh man ryan knows what im talkin about. Hes banged his share of black women in his days, id say the count is up to like 45 women, and this is the total 190% truth cause ryan is a god damn hound dog. Not as much as marty though. This guy lives in the fuckin jungle. if there aint no black chicks around he'll fuck a god damn gorilla. And that is never a good time unless your into that which hey, why not, gorillas groom each other so its a clean fuck. ok so back to the egg whites. So i had to make these egge shit whites and man they looked disgusting. However i decided to mix things up. As i was cooking i added some bacon to it, a lot of cheese i found in the cubbord and man did i douse this baby with so much salt and pepper. If you went swimming in this shit you would float there was that much salt but hey, fuck it, i like salt so im gonna put it on thjere. so yeah i added some peppers too to be healthy so i did my shit for the day then a took a nap for a few hours. Ok im gonna go do some more boozin and try to sleep with some cougars. until we meet again fare thee well kind sir, or miss but i doubt any babes read this shit.

the Avalanche and beaves tasty ass

As i sit in this room here with my drink and my shirt with holes in it and my 70s beach shorts, I wonder. What the fuck would i do in a fuckin avalanche. Ok, first of all id never be skiing on a fucking huge ass mountain with brazilians shooting shit to induce the snow to fall and kill some mexicans. Ok ok, i can only hope that a few of them are taken out. Now lets get back to the subject, say im in switzerland doing some full shit ass scale skiing down the most dangerous mountain known to switzerlanderrs. So im skiing with my buddies jared, danny boy, marty, beave, and lets not forget the big old pile of fitze. So were all skiing and dan is being gay by skiing backwards so he hitsd a tree and dies instantly so he dosent have to deal with snow being on him slowly crusing him, taking the breath right out of his tiny little lungs. So the rest of us are skiing and fucking moulzie rips this huge ass fart and the echo sets off a chain reaction to the top of le mountain and the snow begins to fall. so were all skiing at unsafe speeds to get the fuck out of there but the snow knows no speed but the speed of light so it is upon us like shit on rice. So the first thing i, tim "cougar hunter" MickyD curls up into a ball and strategically leavs some space in his ball to breathe and maneuver. Now as for the othwers, marty shits himself leaving a brown streak down the mountain and is swallowed up by the snow, never to be heard from again. A plaque now stands om the mountain with a full bottle of Jack and a quote, " Im goin down shittin my pants and feelin as warm as possible you mother fuckers!" And man did marty feel ware covered in his own feces tumbling down that mountain. As for Jared, he claims that he is an ex[ert skiier but hey, i claim that im a fucking expert reader, it dont mean that im gonna go around reading novel to novel and soaking up all this fucking informatuion so i dont believe him. he pizzas the whole way down the mountain, quickly getting eatin up by the snow and his last words were fuck this shit im going to be crushed into a pickle, that way i can eat myself and shot out a cucumber. Fuck, i dont even know if that makes sense. Now the snow is upon us. Beave and ryan curl up cause they see me do it and there like oh shit tims gonna survive this shit so lets curl up. So we all do. Once all is said and done, i come out of my rather large ball, taking into account i left extra room, i now have a little chasm to sit around in. First things first, i take out my flask and down it cause im scared to shit and i want to be feelin good as i dig my way out of this fucking shit they call snow. its probably gods sperm covering this shitty parts of the world such as new zealand and new hampshire. So i start digging and i know what way is up cause im not a fucking moron so i dig. After approxmatly 30 hours i come upon ryan and beave, they have already found each other and they are now naked huddling up. So i immediatly say GAYYYY and i proceede to remove my clothes and fucking put myself in the corner alone rathjer then cuddle up with old fitze and the beave. So after 5 days of keeping warm and drinking out own filtered urine cause ryan carried a britta with him, i have to make a decision, who is going to die to feed the others. Now ryan supplied the britta to make our piss taste delightful so i immediatly cut beaver in the leg, making him bleed everywhere. I make a miscalculation and he does not die and he fights back, Ryan jumps on his back and slowly chokes him as i watch in delight as the emperor watched anakin kill count dooku in star wars. ryan gets the order finish him and snaph his neck. Now we have some meat and let me tell you, ryahn didnt waste any time, biting right into beaves scrumptions ass. Why he picked the ass i can only speculate, but i think it was cause beave worked out and had a defined ass. So beave was devoured down to the bones and now it was ryan and tim. They then use beaves pelvic bone as a shovel and dig their way out to freedom. Tim creates a union and has ryan do all the work because tim is clearly defined as the supervisor and he supervided aleright. Tim however gave ryan a mandatory 15 minute break every 6 hours. It took 10 days but they eventually broke the top surface only to find that everyone had given up hope. Fuck them, tim said, we survived and they sled down the mountain using old possum pelts. They reach the bottom and tell their tale to the natives, thereforte going down in the anals of history forever.

The Boston Story. Part: Dos. Senior Citizen Discount.

Ok ok, im back. To you all, I would like to apologize for the ramblings last night cause i was pretty wasted but then again when am i not. Well right now im just feelin good but not totally trashed. So lets recap. Im in Boston with Jared and were just chillaxin in this club when i see this hottie 55 year old large Texan woman. Man was she wasted in this bar. So i make my move, or series of moves to get this hottie. She kept moving away from me but i was persistant and in the end we end up taking a cab ride home as i described earlier. Ok were back and in the room, and it was a sweet room in the center of Boston so this bitch was loaded and i was happy. So ive got a full tent erected and as i said her fucking shoes were made in china so they took 10 years toi get off. So once off we proceed to bone. And it was some sweet boneing. Ok so maybe I couldnt remember her name all night cause she kept asking me. She was like whats my name and im like i dont fucking know and she goes get the fuck out of my room. My response was simply im not getting the fuck out, im gonna fuck this shit out of you and there was no more discussion. She also said that she was old enough to be my grandma and i replied, "Well miss, i find that very sexy so lets do it." So we going at it in every position that i know which is like 4 or 5 maybe. Ok let me tell you that this chick gave the worst blow job ever. My weiner was sore cause she kept using her teeth but i wasnt gonna say anything, its not every day im mackin with the ladies and it actually works. So around like 4 am i gots tto take a shit. Now i thought we were at that stage in the relationship where i could take a shit with the door open so i do. Man did it smell and im pretty sure she could hear me throughout the entire dropping of the deuce. But hey, i finished up, came out pround and nothing was said so we just did it again and man was it sweet. Oh shit i also farted alot during the night which was awkward so i tried to caugh as much as i could or talk loud to cover it up but hey who cares. So we finally go to sleep at like 6 am and i sleep like a baby. My snoreing did keep her up all night but i didnt give a shit cause my work was done, or so i thought. So at 9:30 AM she gets a phone call from her son whom she is moving into Harvard University. I can hear him saying hey mom im at church where are you? Im like oh shit ok i dont want to wait for this conversation so i just start finger banging the shit out of her and shes moaning so much on the phone that she has to hang up and we proceeded to do it again. Oh man she was pretty ugly and im no prize so i kept the lights off and the blinds closed so it was pitch black in there but i found my target many a times in those fateful hours. I finally end up leaving around 10 am and i have just enough money to take the T train back to meet up with Jared and the whole day my dick was sore and i had the worst headache ever but it was worth it. Now i know im supposed to take her panties but i one uped her, in the room, i left a single pair of socks and a single large pair of Underware which she now hangs on her wall as a reminder of the most incrredible ride of her life. Ohhh yeah, i did it.

The Boston Story. Part: One.

Now for those of the weak of heart, go get a better heart of gather the fuck around for one of the most fucking amazing stories you sweet ass will ever hear. the evening begins at tims house AKA my house on a calm satudat evening. I was enjoying a nice bagel toasted with some sweet sour cream and amazing jelly. Let me tell you this combination of cream and jelly melts in your mouth, if it dosent you are fucking stupid or a retard cause its awesome. So i was sitting at home when jared calles me, and i ignore it as usual. Im like whart the fuck hes gonna tell me to chug a brewski and i dont want too at 2 PM so i just ignore it. Soon after i begin to ponder, hmm maybe i Can go down for the evening even though i HATE Boston and enjoy Jared for onbe night. I owe this fine soldier this honor to come and visit him. So i Drive my shitty ass Honda down to visit this asshole whom i love to the towen i despise. So on the way there traffic, who would have guessed in the asshole shit ass FUCK town of boston whom i HATE. So i arrive in Boston, we eat some food and get some booze and then go to eat at Jarteds PAD. So whilst boozin, he gets this call from this bitch sayin we need to go out soon. Jared, with his dick as his compass says ok tim we need to go and im like what the FUCK. I want to drink some more and jareds like get the fuck up so i pound as much as i can and then leave for a night out on the town. Let me tell you, the first hour, i was pissed caused we rid this shit stained train and subway only native to boston cause ti sucks ballz and i FUCKIN HATE BOSTON!. So after we get off we still have to walk 5 miles to thr first baer we are at and let me tell you, its a fucking asshole in the wall. We alk in and theres like 2 tables made of shit and a fucking bar, i was pissed. A Pabst Blue Ribbor beer was 5 BUCKS! FUCK BOSTON FUCK THEM!!!! I HATE boston with ass my ass and penis cause i will piss on anyone from boston even if its a hot wonen. Then ill piss on her then fuck her, FUCK BOSTON. Ok well we left thius first bar abnd went to some club where it was packed and it was a prertty shady bar/ club. So we arrive at this second club and i wan tto drink heavily cause im still sober so i buy like 3 shots and 9 brewskis. So im feeling prwetty good and all or a sudden i se this HOTTIE in a corner. And when i say hottie i mean a Large 55 year old Texan woman. let me tell you, she was wasted out of her mind and i wanted to get some pussy so i was trying my best which is trying my physics and asshole jokes and she was buying them as above prices! I was so pumped, i was like holy shit im gonn go to Jareds places and bang this shit out of this babe, but i was mistaken..... After a few rounds the bar tender askes me to take this bitch home and im like i dont know who she is and later im like i k now the fuck she is and shies coming home with me you bouncer. So we eventually leave in a cab that i made her pay for cause i had literally no mney left and i dont rememeber the cab ride homr but it must have been sweet and sour as the chinese might say. SO... we get back to the hotel room and BOOM, shes making out with me on the way in but she doset have her card. So we went to the front desk and im making out with this old bad in front of the workers and i dont give a shit becAUSE IM GONNA FUCK THE SHIT OUT OF HER and the desk people just laugh and give us the key, sorry for the caps, but i really fuck the shit out out her. Alright i gots to slow down and have a drink which im gonna do now and have a lot of it so fuck you BITCH. Ok so we get back to the room and i take a piss. So i get out and she goes in and im so excited that im taking off all my clothes cause i want the pussy and im SO EXCITED and im just pitchin a tent makde for fucking red bull himself. So she comes out totally dressed and im like what the fuck ok im gonna havwe to do all the work and so i do. Firsrt parts first, i start to take off her shoes and i have trouble and im like what the fuck so i just rip them off breaking the strap i dont give a shit. So her Shoes are off, so the rest just falls off like a giod damn dorrito on vacation. AKA... it all just fals off. Oh man so not gonna lie i had trouble with her shoes but hey who cares ill fuck her with her shoes on, hey who wouldnt. I WOULD!!!!... Ok so her clothes are off, lets just say that I AM PUTTING THIS IN CAPS CAUSE YOU NEED TO HEAD THIS... I FUCKED THE SHIT OUT OF HER ALL NIGHT LOOOOOOONG.

The Facebook Anteater Story

I once saw ryan battle a ant eater with his bare hands. The battle was fierce and bloody but in the end the ant eater was eating to many ants so ryan whipped out his sword and stabbed the eater in the heart, underneath its brilliant shield of armor.... The next day when ryan awoke from his slumber he was asked what he was going to do now, and the legend responded, ill go eat some fuckin ants no that the fat ass ant eater is dead, and so ryan got himself some tasty ants and a brewski.

I LOVE BEING NAKED

So I was legit lying on my front lawn naked in the shade cause it was so hot and I couldn’t help but wonder. If there are any doubts as to if I laid outside naked, just ask anyone I know about streaking once in the softball field at PC and once down Huxley with the beave man cause we honor our word. Why the fuck cant I be naked all the time, and it dawned on me, lets just have a naked society. With everyone being naked, it would solve sooo many problems that I will rant about in a few seconds cause it dosent take that long to read ahead but MY GOD it takes like minutes to type and I hate everyone that says im slow. Well actually I am pretty slow, I move like old people fuck so yeah go ahead and blame me for being slow I don’t give a shit. Being slow makes me sweat less and save more energy. BUT! You know what would make me sweat even less then not moving, BEING NAKED! That’s my first point. The obvious cooler way to go is no clothes in the shade. Fuck wearing white or wearing black to heat up, they are all false laws to TIM “COOL SHORTS” MCDANIEL, like I don’t give a shit what you wear, if its 90 out, its gonna be 90 out no matter what the FUCK you wear you asshole physicist trying to tell me what the fuck blocks the sun. Theres one god damn thing that blocks the sun, its god damn air conditioning, or more fondly known as AC. So nakedness and all its goodness. Fist of all let me tell you and Scottie will appreciate this, we should all be naked so that the guys can check out the ta ta’s on some fine woman and the ladies can check out the goods. This saves soo much time in mating because the ladies can see right away what they are gonna get “goods” wise and the guys can see the fun bags that they will be playing with that night or if married, the rest of their lives. PS this rules out any chance of any woman sleeping with me cause im just that big. And PPS Ryan goes for the flat bags ladies, FYI. Moulzie, that’s another story cause this guy goes for the BIGGEST fun bags ive even seen. The lady can be a DOG but if she has huge tits, they the moulzie is hooked like a god damn bass on a hook line and sinker. Now aside from looking at the goods and boobs, another reason why we should all be naked is the time we can save in our daily lives. What to wear in the morning, what the wear at brunch, what to wear during sex, what the wear at dinner, what to wear to bed, who the fuck cares. If we are naked all the time and everything is out there then we could save millions of hours per person on our lives. Hey, im going to a princess gallery, oh man im going naked, oh man, im going to the beach, what to wear, ohhhh nothing, yikes! What to wear out to eat at a nice restaurant or a crappy one, NOTHING!!! It makes soo much sense, wear nothing so that we do not have to waste time worrying. Along with the worrying is the money we wil all save if we do not have to buy clothes. Oh man sorry I just looked out the window and my bro is back whom I sent to get tonic water to mix with a certain cheap gin. Hey don’t get me wrong ill go gin straight but ive gots to play some basketball later, so I don’t want to get too wasted. Ok so as I was saying, yeah fucking everyone can save on their prom dresses and tuxes therefore leaving more money for the actual economy and therefore making us the best country on the planet behind France of course. Another reason we should all be naked is because it will all make us feel more free, even the blacks. Why do you think babies cry when they come out of the womb, its because we immediately wrap them up in swaddeling clothing and then immediately put them into cute little dresses that they can rawl around in. NO! Babies want to be free I tell you and so do adult human beings. So I pray that you all take up my cause of being naked for the rest of your lives and rock out with you cock out. Thank you.