sweet sweet food in my tummy

Nice pre-wrapped sausages, that’s all I want. That’s not some gay reference, I just really want some sausages, patties of links. Shit I’m so hooked on them but I’m so full I can only drink. So yeah let me tell you I ate enough today to fill a god damn full grown male tortoise and believe me, they can eat A LOT. Oh man, I love torti because they are so slow and they love to eat and can have sex for like 3 hours at a time even though they only do it like once every 3 years. Pretty much just like me. If I was of that religion shit where I came back, I would defiantly be a tortoise because I love doing all the things they do, including the 3 hour sex, yah you know what im talkin about. Yikes, so I went to a game dinner tonight and it was awesome. I had pulled Goose and it was frekin amazing. I had to eat like 18 pounds of goose and let me tell you, it tastes like sweet sweet corn on a hot summers night whilst playing a game of scrabble with some morons. It was that good. Well, anyways, the best part of the night was when I entered the raffle prize drawing thing. There were 4 bottles of whiskey and I was like WOH!!! So I won a prize and I go up and immediately prick the booze, a bottle of Wild Turkey 101 and it is so delicious. Everyone else that went up was thinking about what they want and im like wow you guys are total fucking idiots not to take the booze or the cigar packs they had. The first guy picked got a pair or binoculars, which was like WTF guy u don’t need binoculars if u got the booze in your system. As some of you may know, im a god damn marksman in the NRA and ill be damned if you need binocs to see something. You need your god given talent of awesome eyes, such as myself to fuckin rock out with your cock out. But actually if your hunting you might want to keep captain PeNe away cause it could be mistaken for a wild armadillo. Or so im told. Wow, ok sorry I took so long, I jujst chugged 3 beers way to fast and I felt like I was gonna boot but its ok because its before 9 and boot and rally is in effect. My fellow legends and party goers know what I mean and what I great rule to have in place. Oh man I forgot if I told everyone, I also won a pack of sweet stogies at the game dinner and it was frekin amazing to walk out with a bottle whiskey and stogies. Lets just say the whole bottle didn’t make it home…. Teheheheheehehehe . Yikes, so after my game dinner, I had plans with my uncle at his place to eat a nice surf and turn dinner and I wasn’t hungry at all but I beasted down a piece of steak, some crab legs and stuffed clams etc etc. And after that I got sooo full that I almost couldn’t drink, and I just thought what the fuck that is no fun Mister Wonka so im gonna fuck you up the ass with your own chocolate bar you wont even know which oompa loomps if caressing your ballz sack and which asshole spy is stealing your secret piss ant recipies. Ok its halo time so im gonna get going and drink tills I cant feel anything anymore! BOOH YAH mother fuckers. Also, to those about to drink, I salute you and to those who are not, you prob suck your own ballz and caress your butthole. Hahahahaahaha ok ryan is getting so pissed at me for writing this.

the genie and the PUSSY

Ok, so this might be gross but quite frankly miss, I don’t give a shit.  Copyright Tim MCD.  Fuck any gay ass fag movie that ever used that line cause u heard it here first.  So I was telling my friend Chris that I had an interesting time at the movies last week.  I was with Texas and we were running late but I had to pee.  So I went to piss but I pushed to hard that I shat myself and I was like oh shit.  So I went to the stall and proceeded to remove my underwear and place it on the toilet paper roller thing and then I booked it.  Fuck washing your hands.  You think Aladdin washed his hands before he rubbed the genie on the dick, I think not.  Aladdin was fucking beast when he stole that lamp, he was like fuck you jaffar, im gonna eat your fag ass parrot then spit it out on your hand.  Take that home for your momma and tell her to use it on your tuna salad.  That’s just how I roll.  So yeah, went to taco bell again tonight but I got some KFC as well, not gonna lie it was scrumptious and I ate it all.  Im prob gonna go later and eat 10 more pounds of gold then be worth 1000000000 dollars.  Yeah you don’t even know much that is you geek.  Maybe ryan or moulzie.  But they are both dwebs and they love marshmellows.  So as I was sayin, I was fucking hung over all day and I felt like shit but I went to breakfast and I don’t know how many of you like hash, but I LOVE it and I got soooo much, I got it an poured syrup all over it, not the aunt Jemima shit, cause she aint my aunt and shes a fucking coon.  But actually shes pretty good and im actually gona use her on my DeACK after im done typing.   Lolol, ok ok, im not gonna im just gonna use her on some pancakes I make at midnight and I love to eat.  Ill prob put her on some bagels I make later on with some cream cheese and ohh baby, im gonna die of a heart attack in like 2 days.  Fuck it, im beast.  Ive been freaking out, eating a lot, bangin broads (NOT), eatin pizza, doin no work, partaking in illegal events, beatin the bishop, boozing, sayin hi to sally, movin the machismo, and etc but YIKES!  So I just got up to make a drink and I chugged a whole shit load of coffee syrup and it tasted ok but yikes in the same way but id do it again. Theres not many things I wont drink.  One new years eve, my bros tricked me into taking not 1 but 2 shots or olive oil and it went down so smooth but I would suggest not using it at any time.  Let me tell you though, and ryan is gonna get so pissed but beave will love it, doing shots of olive oil makes your shit come out so smooth and creamy that its amazing and I remember, it was a time of good fortune.  Oh man, I wan tto bang a chick in the ass so bad that I just typed it but im boozed so I don’t care and I love female asses so MUCH!!!!!  If you don’t you suck…… MENS BALLZ!!!!   Sorry dave, I love you but I love womens twats more and ryan will hate that cause I yelled TWAT!!!!!!  TWATTTTT!!!! Fuck you ryan and a shout out to marty who puts up with me every day and helps me post this shit coming out of my head….. LOVE YOU BUDDIE!!!!  HEY!!!  AN HOUR OF POWER, IS BUT A LIFETIME OF GLORY!!!!!          COPYRIFGHT A ONE Marty KD.  Love you.

i klove titties

OHHH baby, this is awesome.. I just made a Taco bell run and it cost 50 BUCKS!  And it was awesome!  Ok I gone like 8 soft tacos with sour cream, so sweet, and like 2 good to gos, a famous bowl, cause its a KFC combined with TB and 2 cheesy fiesta potatoes.  AND SHIT, I just checked the basketball games and I am SUCKING in my bracket as of now.  FUCK PURDUE and its boilermakers, which I thoguth were beer makers, which would have been amazing.   But I am reminded by a good friend by THE SPEECH!!!!  The SPEECHE brings us all together like a conglomerate of pudding in a nice key lime pie which I love to eat but I wouldn’t eat this key lime pie cause of the key to our hearts in our hearts.  Now onto BREWS.   Casue I love beer which reminds me of a story.  There once was a man names Leroy.  Leroy was a god damn negro who loved to drink beers and rob people.  In no way is this a racist story but if it is, just ask for my address asshole and ill let you know and we can fight anytime.  So Leroy was walking one say on the harbor of a virgin town called Virginallia.  Leroy was very desperate to get onto a ship and climb aboard.   Leroy immediately once heard this tune and it sounded like it was like a white man calling his name onto a ship.  Leroy was memorized onto getting on the ship.  Dumb Fuck.  So Leroy lived happily forever, as the story goes but hahahahaha, this is times story.  Leroy, once on the ship, was made a cooks slave on the ship and had to make egg sandwiches every day which he couldn’t do cause this White Admiral TIM could make the best god damn egg sandwiches ever in the whole navy so Leroy sat down and peeled some potatoes.  While Leroy was peeling some potatoes one day, a genie appeared and he was ranted 69 wishes.  His first wish was that all people were created equal, then Jefferson, adams, JFK and MLK JR were assinated.  His second wish was that an alien life was found and then it was and Africa was demolished by its parking of its parking on the planet so Leroy thought about his third wish.   So Leroy thought, OH MAN!!!  OK! I know, I would like a KFC on every corner of every street!  Ok the genie said but that was already done by a one T MAC DADDY and Leroy put on a sad face then died.  T MAC DADDY seeing how dead Leroy was just asked the genie for one thing.  He wanted a sweet taco bell set up in every American capital that set up free tacos every Tuesday in memory of leroys death.  In actuality, tim didn’t give a shit about leroys death, he just wanted some free tacos and he wanted them every Tuesday so how could you blame him.  So yeah, that was my day pretty much instead of my story I was working for about 5 min and chilling the next 8 hours.  So in the meanwhile ive been chillin, walin around outside in the nude sometime saying fuck you guy cause im on my property and I can walk nude if I want too so I do.  Hey it may be raining but I don’t give a shit I love to booze. WOW!!!!  Ok I just looked at my bros roommates comp and theres a naked lady on it and she has the sweetest TITS EVER!!!!!!!!  Like they are so plump and scrumptiouls that I just want to chew on them before I take a bite of those sweet sweet peaches.  Shit ok im blabbing on right now so I don’t even know that the fuck is going on but im about to play some halo but I can hear some fucking NOOBS!!!! And they sound like 4 years olds but I will show no mercy to these assholes that are tinier then my gut and my dick.  SO fuck them and I will ROCK their world/.  Ok so im gonna peace out, PEACE!?.  

So I Says to the Guy, I says 'Ey

Another day, another dollar, as I always says.  Ok that was pretty gay but theres a perfectly good explanation, Im sober as a rat and I feel like shit.  Didn’t go to work today, I called in at 4:30 AM and I forgot what I said but it wasn’t good but im fuckin Tim McDaniel so people don’t fuck around.  BUT! Whilst at home, I discovered a hidden lost gem that I had written at work some months ago.  It goes a little something like this:  [[[There once was a man named Bob, who made a shish ka bob.  It was a fantastic meal to have considering it was a hot summer night.  There was a girl with bob as well and she was lookin mighty fine.  So bob finished his delicious ka bob and proceeded to serenade her under the soft moonlight.  It was so beautiful, like a one moulzie baking pasta and meatballs, belting out it’s amore to some sweet sensual Italian chick.  Rather that going with a traditional smooth rock son, bobs choice was “you shook me all night long.”  And believe me, there was some shakin and a bakin in the hood that night and when the BOB O SPREAD is a rockin, get the fuck away.  After that tasty ka bob, bob needed some shakin.  Through the midnight air bob sang and sang until she couldn’t take it anymore.  She had an explosion of forestry right there in her pants.  Like the time when Fern Gully was on the brink of demolition but was brought back by a sexy little Fern angel. At that time, bob proceeded to slip her some roofies so that they may get down to business.  Bob didn’t even need the roofies but he likes his women like he likes his industrial sized fan, best to do when unplugged and out of commission.  Oh my, it was awesome business that was being done after the roofies.  The next morning, bob was cracking his eyes open when a one Dan the ka bob killer was sitting by his bed.  Dan slowly took bob outside where he proceeded to beat bob to the point of death.  He actually killed him so don’t get all hopeful cause I don’t give a shit.  Ill kill the woman bob pleased too!  DO NOT TEMPT ME.  And so ends the story of bob and his wonderous night of making shish ka bob and the events that followed.  May his memory live on every time u strike up that grill.]]]  Yeah so that’s just a little something I cooked up while on break.  I also just got back from the greatest place known to man besides a liquor store, strip club or asian massage parlor, it was the scrumptious KFC/Taco Bell combo dining facility.  OHHH man, I feel like im gone die every time I go but the sweet sweet taste of sour cream makes it al better.  OH MAN!  Shit I forgot, so I was wasted last night and I went with my bro to play basketball.  Let me tell you right away, that I royally suck at basketball.  I had a few shots and I remember NONE of them even hitting the rim or back board.  On top of that I couldn’t remember my team so assholes were yelling to me when I got the ball and I passed it to the wrong team like 30 times. FUCK basketball but at the time is was an awesome idea.  That’s pretty much it, im gonna go so bye. 

SHIT

HEYYYYYYYY.  THE ATTACK comin at you live from a little place called J town.  So yeah, big surprise, Im boozing again and im feeling GGGRRRReat.  Ok tony the tiger, go get face fucked by Count Chocula then fuckin become a butt pirate under Captain Crispy ballz.  SO, ive been workin all day, pretty much pretending to do work and man, let me tell you, I went in totally wasted.  Actually my boss told me I cant drink during the week anymore I reek of booze, and I said screw you man, god created the earth in 7 days, ill booze 7 days a fuckin week!  Ok maybe I didn’t say that, I just walked away but I guess I really smelt bad cause people were saying it.   Fuck it.  So after work I took a brief nap, stroked the salami a few times and let me tell you, it was amazing!  Red tube is the sweetest site of all time and I tend to look for the asian chicks with big tits or red heads, but hey, who is this fat ugly mother fucker to be picky.  LOLOL, ohh man, so sorry, Marty just sent me a picture of a 60 foot penis painted on a roof top.  Allz I got to say to that is GAY, or totally baler cause some people can rock that on top of their house.  Not me.  Oh so back on track here so yeah after my nap/ wackin in, I took a little ride to my alcohol test.  For those who don’t know, you suck, but ill let you in.  I read this add at work and the guys said I should call.  It was looking for heavy drinkers who want to get paid to take some pills.  I didn’t even ask what the pills are for but I sure hope it makes my DONG bigger……  Ok nah, I don’t need that but it would be sweet,  so I called and they accepted me so im ballin it right now.  SO, the pills are for some symptom shit I don’t care about but I get paid $550 BIG ONES at the end!  Yeah, who would take it.  Especially when im lookin for a quick trip to lily spa for a special massage if you catch my drift.  So today was my third trip there and the guy asked me like a hundred questions.  I said no to all but I should have been like GUY, im FREAKING the FUCK out at night.  And I am dude.  Last night, I was attacked by a bear, and I know it was fake but I was caught, trying to hold its mouth open and my hands were starting to hurt so im like what the fuck is there really a bear here????  So the bear obviously bit my hands off and then it crushed me and the strange thing was it didn’t even hurt, he just stopped me from breathing.  So im like shit ive gots to wake up and breathe, so I open my eyes and TOTAL BLACK!  So I blink them a lot and nothing, and then I feel like im floating.  So I start yelling and waving my arms and finally I come back to my sweet bed I call Charles and I was like ohh charles, im back.  And he was happy.  So yeah I probably should have told the guy that story but I didn’t. And this has happened like 3 times but I just stay up and watch Home Improvement and rock an all nighter so fuck it, im getting monAY.  So yeah that’s pretty much it for today.  OHHHH, ok ill eave you with a HALO quote.  I was playing with this asshole on my team so I told him to fucking go fucking his Jew dad on Quanza and he started yelling but I just kept killing noobs.  Soon after I realized the 2 didn’t go together so I was fucked so I just kept yelling at the kid cause he was an asshole, and I told my bro I was playing with to take the 2 which you all should know by now.  And he did.  So that’s pretty much it, not gonna lie im gonna go drink a lot more and prob get taco bell later, so PEACE OUT!  Ryan, fuck you with your war in.  YOU ARE GAY.

THE BEGINNING

Hi.  Ok, not gonna lie to you guys, ive been boozing for about 3 hours now and I am feeling amazing.  As many would say, Ive been elected as mayor of Happy Town, population: ME.  Ok, so if you don’t know who I am, get the fuck out of my blog space asshole and if you know who I am, im doing this for you.  Im streaming to you some of the sweetest, yet most sensual anecdotes of our time.  If that’s spelt wrong fuck it.  But anyways, my name is Sweet Daddy T MC D, or to the lay man, Tim McDaniel, or to the ladies, MR. PLEASURE LANE.   Seriously.  Ok so I personally think im the most boring mother fucker of al ltime but you may think differently after reading this shit im shooting your way.  Well enough with the bullshit, Im 22 and I LOVE to booze it up.  Im currently a General in the Evan Williams Army but ive also served as a pirate under Captain Morgan, a horseman under Cossack, a number under 151, a baller under Goldschlager, a German under Yagermeister, and who could forget, a faggot under the Peach schnapps regime.  Well enough of that miss, lets move on. So as I was sayin, I currently work for my Town in what is one the easiest jobs in the world.  Ive broken more then $5,000 in equipment and crashed about every company truck we have but hey, im the man so im not fired.  Recently, ive just been boozing and hoping for the best. Shit, I was gonna say I was getting so pissed writing when im not in school but my bro just handed my a big ole piece of steak with some sauce that is AMAZING.  Well now that you’ve heard about him, hes my bro Justin and I pretty much live over his place, right next to mine and we booze it up there every night.  His friends arnt quite as beast as mine but I pick up the slack time and time again.  Oh man, about 3 nights ago, Thursday night is our usual booze and card night.  I get bombed every time and I love it.  Apparently I started too early and sat in a chair that was structurally unsure so it broke and I smashed my head on the concrete ground.  It hurt but I didn’t feel it at the time which kind of makes me invincible.  Ive had glass shuved in my back, ive crashed, been burnt alive, etc etc.  You will all have to chime in in the future to find out the life of T MCfuckinD.  I don’t kniow how long a blog is supposed to be but I REALLY need to make another drink so ive gots to get going.  If you don’t like this then go fuck yourself and I honestly don’t care.  I once told a guy on Halo to fuck his mother, he said his mother was dead so I said id dig her up, grind her bones and use it as pussy salt on her step mom.  That’s how crazy I am.  So tune in soon for the next installment.