the Avalanche and beaves tasty ass

As i sit in this room here with my drink and my shirt with holes in it and my 70s beach shorts, I wonder. What the fuck would i do in a fuckin avalanche. Ok, first of all id never be skiing on a fucking huge ass mountain with brazilians shooting shit to induce the snow to fall and kill some mexicans. Ok ok, i can only hope that a few of them are taken out. Now lets get back to the subject, say im in switzerland doing some full shit ass scale skiing down the most dangerous mountain known to switzerlanderrs. So im skiing with my buddies jared, danny boy, marty, beave, and lets not forget the big old pile of fitze. So were all skiing and dan is being gay by skiing backwards so he hitsd a tree and dies instantly so he dosent have to deal with snow being on him slowly crusing him, taking the breath right out of his tiny little lungs. So the rest of us are skiing and fucking moulzie rips this huge ass fart and the echo sets off a chain reaction to the top of le mountain and the snow begins to fall. so were all skiing at unsafe speeds to get the fuck out of there but the snow knows no speed but the speed of light so it is upon us like shit on rice. So the first thing i, tim "cougar hunter" MickyD curls up into a ball and strategically leavs some space in his ball to breathe and maneuver. Now as for the othwers, marty shits himself leaving a brown streak down the mountain and is swallowed up by the snow, never to be heard from again. A plaque now stands om the mountain with a full bottle of Jack and a quote, " Im goin down shittin my pants and feelin as warm as possible you mother fuckers!" And man did marty feel ware covered in his own feces tumbling down that mountain. As for Jared, he claims that he is an ex[ert skiier but hey, i claim that im a fucking expert reader, it dont mean that im gonna go around reading novel to novel and soaking up all this fucking informatuion so i dont believe him. he pizzas the whole way down the mountain, quickly getting eatin up by the snow and his last words were fuck this shit im going to be crushed into a pickle, that way i can eat myself and shot out a cucumber. Fuck, i dont even know if that makes sense. Now the snow is upon us. Beave and ryan curl up cause they see me do it and there like oh shit tims gonna survive this shit so lets curl up. So we all do. Once all is said and done, i come out of my rather large ball, taking into account i left extra room, i now have a little chasm to sit around in. First things first, i take out my flask and down it cause im scared to shit and i want to be feelin good as i dig my way out of this fucking shit they call snow. its probably gods sperm covering this shitty parts of the world such as new zealand and new hampshire. So i start digging and i know what way is up cause im not a fucking moron so i dig. After approxmatly 30 hours i come upon ryan and beave, they have already found each other and they are now naked huddling up. So i immediatly say GAYYYY and i proceede to remove my clothes and fucking put myself in the corner alone rathjer then cuddle up with old fitze and the beave. So after 5 days of keeping warm and drinking out own filtered urine cause ryan carried a britta with him, i have to make a decision, who is going to die to feed the others. Now ryan supplied the britta to make our piss taste delightful so i immediatly cut beaver in the leg, making him bleed everywhere. I make a miscalculation and he does not die and he fights back, Ryan jumps on his back and slowly chokes him as i watch in delight as the emperor watched anakin kill count dooku in star wars. ryan gets the order finish him and snaph his neck. Now we have some meat and let me tell you, ryahn didnt waste any time, biting right into beaves scrumptions ass. Why he picked the ass i can only speculate, but i think it was cause beave worked out and had a defined ass. So beave was devoured down to the bones and now it was ryan and tim. They then use beaves pelvic bone as a shovel and dig their way out to freedom. Tim creates a union and has ryan do all the work because tim is clearly defined as the supervisor and he supervided aleright. Tim however gave ryan a mandatory 15 minute break every 6 hours. It took 10 days but they eventually broke the top surface only to find that everyone had given up hope. Fuck them, tim said, we survived and they sled down the mountain using old possum pelts. They reach the bottom and tell their tale to the natives, thereforte going down in the anals of history forever.